her vagine was all disorganized.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
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Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
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You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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