her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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