Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
