Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
