i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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