Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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