I'm laying in your front yard are you home
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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