If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
