Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
