and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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