Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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