that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
