Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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