Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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