Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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