I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
