census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Randomize
