I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
