I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
