I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
