someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
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