So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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