The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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