21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
