We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Randomize
