When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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