I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
