Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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