saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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