Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
