wakey wakey hands off snakey
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
