I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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