How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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