Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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