can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
