Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
of course. lets lasso hookers.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
