My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
