Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
