I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
