Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
