So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Randomize
