if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize