all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
