Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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