Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
