She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Randomize
