There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
