The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
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I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
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I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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