They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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