If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
