I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
