dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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