I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
