I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
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