I just made out with a guy for $7.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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