I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
